Don’t make the same mistake I did.
There’s something deeply human about wanting to be seen, to be validated. Whether by strangers, our families, status, or material wealth, we want to be known for who we are. But for us to transcend the restrictive and somewhat flawed attempt at validation through social media, we must be willing to find it internally first. Otherwise, we’re doomed to chase that shallow affirmation for the rest of our lives, allowing our sense of self to rest on the fickle attention of others.
No other facet of society reflects this dilemma more than our social media habits.
A long-time skeptic, and still hesitant user of social media, I’ve always felt uneasy scrolling and posting. I was in high school when chat rooms were new on the scene, and even then I wasn’t completely convinced of its value. To this day, my relationship with social media is tentative, at best. About five years ago, I was encouraged to open my first account on Instagram. I dove head-first into the platform and struggled to come up for air in those early weeks. Over time, the feeling of burnout seeped into my mind. Even after month-long breaks, I could feel my way of thinking morph when on the platform. FYI – deleting it from my phone and suspending my account altogether didn’t fix that empty feeling either.
To say that social media and I have had a troubled relationship since the beginning is an understatement.
As the New Year approaches, I’ve already begun my inventory of habits and values. And again, social media is part of that conversation. Can I justify the continued use of Instagram? The platform itself isn’t evil. Rather, I’m deliberating its value in my life, because I want to use my time intentionally.
But my beef with social media extends beyond the time-sucking quality of the platform. It reaches into its privacy issues and the underlying purpose of the platform in general. As with so many of us, this global pandemic has refocused my priorities and I’m reassessing many of my habits. Social media may very well get dumped.
Back in the 1990s, I jumped onto social media for the first time. I downloaded AOL Chat and spent hours talking with my best friend while she studied in Brazil. I’ll be honest, old skool social media made a lot of sense! International phone calls were crazy expensive, and we needed an alternative way to stay connected. But when social media stopped feeling like connection, I found myself asking a lot of questions.
What’s the point of this? How do I measure up to others? Is that nauseous feeling normal?
Social media has changed. It went from connecting friends and family to transforming individuals into brands and 9×9 grids of perfection.
Look, I get it when companies and entrepreneurs create social media accounts to advertise and promote their work. That makes sense to me! But let’s be honest. Platforms like Instagram don’t emphasize genuine connections. They’re about promotion – of individuals and products – and frankly, I’m not keen on turning myself into a product.
Marketing shouldn’t be considered normal human behavior. Marketing should stay in the domain of companies.
At the start of this essay, I say that our human quest to be seen is inherent in our experience. Social media has tapped into that biological need, but it’s led us astray. These platforms are no longer built to deliver genuine connections. Instead, they have become opportunities to bolster our self-image via the attention of a faceless mass. They prey on our desire to feel worthy and leave us feeling sick in our gut. They aim to convince us that we’re part of a community, when in fact, there’s no real “skin” in the game, a necessary attribute to any genuine community.
Now at this point, you may feel under attack, especially if social media is a high priority in your life. And you may have valid counterpoints for every statement I’ve put out, and that’s okay! I do too, to be fair. My intent is not to be combative or to offend you. My goal is to encourage you to pause and consider your relationship with social media – the why and how behind your engagement.
Social media isn’t going anywhere, nor do I believe it should. But if we’re to evolve in a way where we can incorporate this relationship into our lives in a healthy sustainable way, we’re going to have to start asking hard questions. Is my phone screen the best way to get affirmation? Are there important things I’m avoiding with this distraction? When is the last time I called my mother?
At the end of our days, we won’t be proud of our curated social media feeds. I doubt that achievement will crack the top 50 for any of us. But what we will wonder is how we spent our time, and if it felt worthy.
When we’re honest with ourselves, and we are willing to become more aware of our reactionary nature, we have the opportunity to recognize the beliefs underlying our habits: social media won’t offer me the affirmation or connection I’m craving.
The truth can be hard to swallow. Like the fact that I’m still here, tapping away at my screen, the after-glow bouncing off my glasses. My thumbs are cramping, and I can feel that hallow sense of “connection” seeping in. And yet, I still find it difficult to give up my habit. It’s like getting to the end of the good candy in the trick-or-treat bag and choosing to eat the crummy candy next, because hey, at least it’s candy.
Embrace connection. Seek opportunities to be seen. Just make sure you’ve chosen your relationships wisely, and that you’re finding more validation away from your screen, than on it.
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